Last week I shared a throw back Thursday pic of myself and my niece.
I had just turned 19 and we were celebrating her first birthday.
I look back to then and how I thought and spoke about my body. I was SO cruel, in actual fact half the time i was just plain fucking nasty. If you think about how you thought or spoke about yourself sometimes – you have to wonder, would you let someone else talk to you that way? or if you heard a friend being spoken to like that – would you let it continue?
I wanted this blog to be a little about the past, and a little about the future.
Our purpose in life is to learn right?
So i decided to write to my younger self. I hope some of this resonates with some of you on some level.
My letter to my younger self. About the things I’ve learned from then til now.
Dear Kowhai,
What a journey its been! who would of thought we’d be where we are now.
You have an amazing – sometimes trying, but amazing career. You’ve traveled,you’ve become an aunt. Made new friends and kept those life long friends who you grew up with 🖤.
You have been living in Australia for 14 years. You go home back to little old Tk at least once a year, and you’ve even been fortunate enough to take back your friends and niece to see the places etched in your heart and memory.
There’s been plastic surgery, heart breaking losses and sometimes decisions that have had you asking “WTF” were you thinking.
But the biggest and most noticeable change in you as you’ve grown into adulthood. Is that of acceptance – acceptance of yourself. Who you are. Where you come from. What makes you tick as a person. What makes you whole. And lastly and almost the most important is the acceptance of your body. You know its worth, you work on all aspects – even the ones that are fucking hard to deal. You at least try now.
There were so many insecurities in you as you went through high school, so many pressures. SO much felt responsibility. Always the one who was doing things for others, worrying about everyone and everything. Always wanting to make things better.
Where you lived, that wasn’t overly normal to some of your friends. You lived with your aunt and uncle. Every one knows your family. Especially your grandparents, so you’d have to be stealth if you get up to mischief.
You’re so unsure of yourself especially when it comes to how you feel about your body. You’re so insecure. You worry that you’ll become as big as your Nan, and even though she never speaks badly about herself and her body, there’s a self-loathing you’ve started… because deep down you don’t think you are good enough. Time tells you that, that’s a dad thing – you come good. But it takes a fair while and a few life changing moments.
What I want to tell you, is, you spent so long worrying over how big you were, you wanted to be someone – that really your body wasn’t ever going to be. You weren’t very kind in the way you spoke about yourself. You never let anyone in, no one could get close to you. The thought of dating had you just about having a panic attack. You pushed people away. You put everyone and everything before yourself. You can’t go back and change time, but baby girl,you deserved SO much more! You just had to believe.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still days where you question yourself.
You challenge yourself now though, you test your limits, you work on the hard stuff – sometimes on your own, sometimes with help.
You listen to things you would never have considered before. You do things for yourself, without guilt. You say no. You have no time for people who’ve hurt you. You decided long ago if people no longer nourish you and love you as you are, and support your journey through life. There’s no longer a place for them.
You look for peace. You seek out quiet. You like to be alone. – doesn’t mean your lonely. You are goal driven and consistent – even when its hard. Which you never tried in your early 20’s.
But most of all, you’ve learnt what it is to love yourself. To do you in your own time. To do what makes your heart and soul happy. too look for gratitude in the small things. to seek out the positive in almost every situation. You’re happy!
You’ve got life by the balls baby, and there is no stopping you.
Here’s to writing to yourself in another 18 years!
I’m excited to see where we go from here
Them Thighs 